My Baby Girl

Well today was a big milestone for us. We took Sadie in for an eye exam and it has completely turned my world upside down. Let me start at the beginning...

Back in January at Sadie's 3 year check up her doctor told me that Sadie had a slight stigmatism in each eye. I asked then if it was something I should follow up on and he said they would check again next year and if it was worse they would suggest seeing and optomitrist. Well months went on and I told myself that I wanted to get her into an eye doctor but with Steve's insurance and job situation we were kind of in limbo.

Well the last month it has been wearing very heavily on my mind so I decided at the beginning of the month to schedule her and I appointments. I thought no biggie we would just get a base line for her and go from there.

Well today has thrown me for a loop. We have found out that she has a cateract on her left eye. Not a normal one though. Her lense in her eye is perfectly clear except for a round white circle right in the middle of her lense, over her pupil.

So in essence she has not vision except slight perphal vision out of her right eye. The doctor was wonderful and called and got us an appointment in UCLA for July 18th. Sadie will more than likely have to have surgery but luckily we caught it early her eye can still develop correctly. Which I am very thankful for.

Now for the Momma bear stuff:
I am full of so many emotions tonight. I know there is nothing we could have done to prevent it or anything we could have done sooner to catch it but I still feel like I let my baby walk around blind in one eye for 3 years. How do I get over that? Not to mention that all afternoon and evening everytime I looked at her all I saw was a little girl with one eye. I know completely irrational but it's the truth. My heart is hurting a little tonight. And everytime I look at her it clenches just a little. Then my emotions turn from saddness, anger at myself and then to planning mode (what can I do to fix this and who needs to be called). So my emotions are in a constant state of flux right now. So if you see me and I'm in front of Sadie I probably won't go into too much detail only because I'll probably end up crying (I know I'm such a girl) and I don't want her to see that. I will be more than happy to talk about it out of her presence.

I don't want her to think anything has changed or that anything is wrong. I don't want her to feel different. But she already knows something is going on. I know we can get through this. So my goal until the 18th is to go on like nothing has changed (easier said than done). I'm a bit of a worrier so we'll see how that goes. Luckily we have a few fun things planned this week and next week we head to Etna for almost 2 weeks of camping, cousins, fishing and reunions. So that will keep us distracted.

I've decided to drop my classes I enrolled in this fall semester. Between doing another round of invitro on the 12th of August and a possible eye surgery for Sadie I think my plate will be full enough for a while. We've also opted not to put her in preschool this fall either. We just don't know what's going to happen or when and we could use the money for the school for doctor bills.

I want to thank everyone who has already given us their well wishes and prayers. I am so appreciative of that. Your support and prayers will help us get through this and I know we will get through this one way or the other. Because we are fighters and we will not let this get in our way. For anyone who knows Sadie knows this. I'm actually a little worried about what she's going to be like with two good eyes. If this is how she is with one...look out world.